Called Tiger for a scandal but he was in a “therapy” session. Then I called the Olympic figure skating judges, but they were busy fielding calls from Evgeni Plushenko (do you believe Evgeni gave himself a platinum medal?) and Vladamir Putin. I expect one of the judges to keel over any minute rom a spot of dioxin. My dad, who still hasn’t weighed in, claims he’s got a good scandal for me. It’s probably a super-sized portion plate from The Cheesecake Factory.
All of this is smoke and mirrors though, delaying the documentation of me falling hard off the “PlateWagon” today. I was riding high, enjoying the breeze, dropping lbs., when I hit a pothole (not unlike the one I hit on I-240 the other day Asheville DOT – just in case you’re reading) and crashed.
CSI Asheville was on the scene of the crash. Analysis: my plate was dirty and in the dishwasher, so I had to wing in most of the day, which led to a collapse in reasoning and willpower. I’m pleading temporary insanity for my actions.
I did okay with breakfast, although my hands shook a bit without my plate. I ate a tiny bowl of cereal and four grapes.
I’d planned to pack my lunch on my plate, cover it with tin foil, and take it to work. But with it in the dishwasher I got flustered. I hastily threw a piece of pizza and two grapes into a Tupperware container. Because I didn’t eat enough for breakfast, I woofed down the pizza and grapes…on the drive to work! Two plates down, and it was only 9:15am.
I picked my daughter up from pre-school at 1pm. At this point I was “hangry” because I hadn’t eaten enough for breakfast or lunch. So I gorged at Earth Fare. I ate a whole tempeh sandwich (a quarter would have fit my potion plate perfectly), plus the 20 chips that came with it. Then I ate some of my daughter’s mac and cheese. She was mad, but I sure felt better.
At this point I figured my portion plate was a lost cause for day. So this afternoon I fixed myself a big snack — chicken salad sandwich, chips, carrots, and popcorn, and ate that down at about 3pm. Then I did more grazing at 5pm. My wife and I had dinner at 7pm; pizza and fruit and salad. Then I ate some more popcorn, followed by two homemade “Dorothy” cookies that should be off limits for anyone on The Portion Plate Diet because it’s hard to each just one. Or four. By eight o’clock I’d far exceeded for plate count. I was feeling bloated, so I punished myself by stuffing some hunks of cheddar cheese in my mouth. Pathetic really. To top it off, my daughter had a nightmare and woke up screaming about an hour ago. I finally got her settled down, but she wouldn’t go back to sleep without doing the “Boom chicka boom chicka boom boom boom” song. You know, the one about me being fat and about to burst like Violet Beauregard. Sophia now sings the song like Eminem, pumping her first up and down and rapping in a low-pitched gurgle. Great….
No reason for a full report card today. I got an F and that’s final.
Up next: “Buffets”
The South Korean womens fast track relay team may want to contribute to your scandal BLOG. Seems the same judge that DQed their star 8 years ago, DQed them last night.
Also, Did you see where Tony K. from PTI was timeouted from ESPN