A week and a few days into The Portion Plate Diet and I’m sucking balls (chicken balls that it) – which is why I haven’t posted in awhile. Last Thursday night set me back – way back! – and brought to light an important question: what happens when you (unexpectedly) find yourself at a $200/night gala with roast beef, bite-sized burritos, heaping cheese and fruit platters, and chicken cordon blue balls – without your portion plate.
Here’s the story. Last Thursday morning I was invited to a gala. At the time I didn’t really know what a gala was (I don’t even know to pronounce it – long or short “a”?). I wasn’t invited to contribute either socially or monetarily. Instead, I was asked to tag along to shoot videos of a few colleagues who were performing at the event to raise money. I left the house at 6:00pm assuming I’d be home by 7:15pm to eat my final portion plate. Long story short: the occasion was black tie and being held at one of the nicest hotels in North Carolina.
Thanks for telling me.
I showed up in dirty jeans and a ratty athletic jacket. The folks I was there to film looked at me and split to the far corner of the ballroom. No matter. How often are you presented with an unlimited supply of expensive food with zero constraints on how or how much you should eat? I headed to the nearest buffet table and called my wife on the way: “I’ll be home late.”
If I’d had my portion plate I would have chucked it in the trash. Really, this was a once every five year spread. I skipped the fruit and cheese and loaded my plate with six chicken cordon blue balls and three burritos. I found a table in the corner and stuffed the food in my mouth. At the bar (which was open) an elderly lady looked at (smelled) me and asked what organization I was with. “The media,” I lied. She smirked and walked away.
I downed a Corona on my way to the buffet line on the opposite side of the room. (My clothes stood me out; no reason to be seen double dipping in the same trough.) I shrugged off a few stares and grabbed a new dinner plate. Four more chicken balls and two slabs of roast beef. I was stuffed after this but had entered food coma and couldn’t control myself. Back at the original buffet table I loaded up on cheese squares, pineapple, and burritos. I ate one burrito while waiting in the roast beef line. A guy about my age dressed in a creepy red tux nodded: “Good, aren’t they?” Before I could clear my mouth he asked where I was from. “The media,” I said. I held up my Flip camera. “Cool!” he said. “I just got one of those.”
I spotted my colleagues at a nearby table and got out fast. Back at my table I finished my plate and loaded it up one final time with eight chicken balls, which I stuffed into my jacket pocket like Napolean Dynamite. I wanted to see how many chicken balls would fit on my portion plate. I guessed at least seven.
When I got home I showed my wife the chicken balls (“You took them from the buffet!”) and explained my plan for eating them as one of my portion plates the next day. “Like I said, it’s not what you eat, but how much,” I argued.
“You’ve got problems,” she said. Really? I’d gorged myself into a stupor and stuffed chicken balls into my coat pocket so I could try to fit them on a kids-sized plate that I eat off of just four times a day in an attempt to prove how easy it is to lose weight. Sounds normal to me.
My guess is that I lost about four pounds in the first four days of The Portion Plate Diet. But I gained it all back on Thursday night. The lesson: never leave home without your portion plate. Ever! And wear some decent clothes to a gala, no matter how you pronounce it!
Grade: Is there any questions…..F-
Up Next: Moving Day
Good looking site and intersting content, keep it going.